As a writer, you’re supposed to write scenes like they’re straight out of a movie. Think about the movies you’ve seen. Telephone scenes can be depicted in two ways, but one of those ways only works in the movies. I’m referring to seeing both characters on the screen either in split-screen effect or by cutting back and forth between them. Split screen is an effect I haven’t seen since the 60s.
The above method is not acceptable for novel scenes. Each scene should be in the viewpoint of one character. If the protagonist is talking to the antagonist, the protagonist cannot see the body movement, facial expression, or body language of their adversary. POV (point of view) is all about seeing the action from one character’s perspective.
One Way of Portraying Telephone Conversations
A second movie method can be depicted in novels. During the phone conversation, the movie-going audience can’t see the off-screen character, but can hear their responses coming over the phone. In novel writing, that translates into allowing the reader to read the responses of the unseen character but without any body movements, facial expressions, or body language (stagnant). That would look like this:
Dolores picked up the receiver. “Hello?”
“Dolores?”
“Hi, Lois. I was thinking about you today. And I was also thinking—”
“Please. Let me tell you what I just found out.”
“Sure.”
“Do you remember Carol?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, she just broke up with Harlan.”
“You’re not serious.”
“I’m going over there this afternoon and tell her exactly what I think.”
“No, Lois, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Carol’s a real loner when she gets depressed.”
Example of Another Way
Another method for the novel is to print only one side of the conversation. However, if you took the above dialogue and removed Lois’s part, something would be missing. Here’s how it would look:
Dolores picked up the receiver. “Hello? … Hi, Lois. I was thinking about you today. And I was also thinking— … Sure. … Yeah. … You’re not serious. … No, Lois, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Carol’s a real loner when she gets depressed.”
The reader won’t have a clue what Lois is telling Dolores. A little context needs to be thrown into Dolores’s dialogue. Here is the acceptable method:
Dolores picked up the receiver. “Hello? … Hi, Lois. I was thinking about you today. And I was also thinking—” She stretched out one arm. “Sure. What’s so important? … Yeah, I remember Carol. ….” Her eyes bulged. “You’re not serious. Did she really break up with Harlan? ….” Dolores gasped and drew a hand to her chest. “No, I wouldn’t go over there if I were you. Carol’s a real loner when she gets depressed.”
Do you get the picture? We can see Dolores’s gestures and expressions, so that gives the conversation some life. She’s at least animated. Dolores’s replies to Lois act as context helping the reader determine what Lois said.
Gerard
I’m sorry, but I must strongly disagree with much of the advice here.
For starters: “As a writer, you’re supposed to write scenes like they’re straight out of a movie.”
Who says? Really, who made that rule? I don’t think that’s true at all.
Writing for film and novels is very different. In a movie you get the benefit of sound and visuals–not only the character’s movements but the various ways that scenes are shot, framed, and edited. In a novel, you don’t get the same kinds of visuals. Some things have to be described in a novel, but other things have to be left to the reader’s imagination. That the reader fills in the blanks is part of the reading experience. While a movie scene where a man walks across the room could be interesting with the use of of lighting, music soundtrack, and the way it was shot, a description of a man simply walking across the room is hardly ever interesting in a novel.
Regarding the phone dialogue in the second, supposedly more movie-like, conversation. Poor Delores. “Her eyes bulged” and she “gasped and drew a hand to her chest.” This sounds like she’s having a heart attack! Is this really what you wanted to convey? (Other than Bugs Bunny cartoons, how many times have you ever seen someone’s eyes bulge? In my 57 years of life, I don’t think my eyes have ever bulged.) I’d rather have no “body movements” described than silly ones that distract. It worked for Hemingway.
There are some punctuation inconsistencies in the second “acceptable” method, so it’s unclear what you’re trying to teach there.
In both cases most of the phone conversation is so routine, it would probably be better to summarize it in one or two sentences rather than try to dramatize it. Or perhaps the author could find a better, more natural way to convey this information about Harlan & Carol, because this way sounds very forced.
Eugene Orlando
Writing your novel like a movie is advice you hear from agents, editors, and publishers at writing conferences. I’ve attended about 25 in the last 18 years, and it is one of the pieces of advice I hear over and over. Then there’s C. S. Lakin’s book “Shoot Your Novel: Cinematic Techniques to Supercharge Your Writing.” On her blog, “The Write Life,” she wrote in 2014 “Writing a Novel? 6 Visual Storytelling Techniques to Borrow From Film and TV.” In that blog article, she covered topics such as “adding background noise,” “color your scenes,” and “think about camera angles.” On the “Be Kind Rewind” blog, there’s the article “How to Make Your Book Read Like a Movie.” And
Eugene Orlando
Writing your novel like a movie means that you include sound and visuals through active description. And, yes, you do leave blanks for the reader to fill in because in this day and age readers don’t want to be inundated with super-detailed description. A man walking across a room can be very provocative in a novel. “Walking,” a non-specific, active verb, doesn’t tell you how the man walked. There are many specific synonyms (sauntered, tiptoed, hobbled, lumbered, marched) that can imply emotion. Are there elements in the room or stimulus coming from outside the room that can create shades of emotion? Yes, it can be very provocative to cross a room.
There is an inconsistency in the punctuation of the second phone conversation . I should not have placed a period after some of the ellipses. The em dash is intentional as it represents Dolores being cut off by Lois.
As to my choice of body language, it’s all a matter of semantics. In my 69 years of life, I have seen many bulging eyes. It is simply one of the expressions common to the human experience. Some may call it something else like “eyes widening” or “eyes flaring,” but that is semantics. Gasping and easing a hand to a chest does not necessarily mean that a person is having a heart attack. In The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi (a book I highly recommend), gasping can be found under fear, surprise/shock, and terror. Those emotions can be evoked by many things other than a heart attack. There is a very good website that will display facial expressions for the various human emotions. It is at http://www.artnatomia.net/uk/artnatomy2014.html. That site and the books I mentioned are great tools for the writer.
I hope this helps clarify what is meant by “Write your novel like a movie.”